Using the themes found in Proverbs 22:6 to guide parenting techniques
Why did my Christian son deny his faith after he left home? Why did he make the wrong choices that were contrary to the way we brought him up?
Once my student went to college, the development of his faith was put aside–why? How can I direct my daughter away from dating and possibly marrying an unbeliever? My daughter turned to addictive behaviors rather than following the Lord–why? Questions like these haunt godly parents.
Who is at Fault?
Why do children fail to follow their Christian upbringing? Are parents at fault? Or are children to blame for their poor moral choices? Are society and peers so dominant influences that nothing a Christian parent does can halt the onslaught of non-Christian cultural influences on their children?
Whose fault is it when a child, raised with Christian morals, rejects that lifestyle and dives into deep waters? To some degree, it’s a mystery why some children embrace their parents’ training and faith, while others rebel against discipline and reject the Christian faith.
Help From the Bible
Fortunately, there’s a biblical proverb that sheds light on this problem. It offers parents insights that help answer these and other parenting questions. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Pr 22:6 ESV).
This verse has been interpreted in several ways. Two common views are that it either means to respect the uniqueness of each child and let them find their own way, or it refers to a right path that everyone must find and follow. Dr. Keller in his book “Wisdom for Navigating Life” suggests there is a deliberate ambiguity built into the verse because child-rearing is complicated.*
Raising Good Kids is Complex
Bringing up a child in the way he (or she) should go is complex. We can identify at least four intertwined dimensions to child-rearing that simultaneously affect the outcome of our sons and daughters. Growing faith in a faithless culture is not easy nor is it simple.
This week we will deal with parental failure, the rebellious heart of a child, the power of choices, and the significance of parental prayers on behalf of your student. Let’s start by dealing with the lack of parental input.
Parental Failure
Sometimes a foolish adult is the result of parents failing to provide clear directions to their child as he matures. Proverbs 29:15 states, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (ESV). Good parenting skills are necessary for raising godly children. Included in these skills is the ability to proactively direct and teach children God’s ways (Pr 12: 15; 14:12).
Parents must recognize the natural foolishness, naiveite, and rebellion that exists in every child’s heart (Ps 51:5; 58:3). Discipline draws these things out of a child’s heart. Commonly, references to the use of the rod refer to the physical punishment of criminals, but this is not the intent of Proverbs 29:15. The Hebrew word “Tokeha,” translated reproof, refers to educational aspects of discipline just as much as it refers to physical consequences. Giving children reproof is not scolding them but resourcing and training them in wisdom.
Reasoning with Children
God, as our heavenly father, “reasons” with us his children when he confronts us over rebellious and sinful behaviors (Isa 1:18). The word translated reason is the same Hebrew word translated in Proverbs as reproving. God confronts us not out of anger but love. He wants to expose our sin (Eph 5:11) but he also wants us to learn the way of restoration (Mt 18:15).
Don’t think I mean we are to argue with our children. Whenever a parent lowers the relational bar to that of debate with children, they lose respect and authority in the eyes of their child. The correction becomes a game of manipulation. Who can win the debate?
God uses the rod and reproof together. He remains in authority and never loses respect in the eyes of his children. The result produces children who learn good reasoning skills so they can identify right from wrong and a child who is deterred from doing evil through practicing repentance and knowing the way of restoration.
Discipline is a Good Thing
God disciplines us for our good (Heb 12:7-8,11, Rev 3:19). His reproof includes education and discipline. He leads us out of sin and into the conviction that sin is a bad thing. God reprimands us when we sin in such a manner that we learn how to restore our relationship with him (repentance).
The life skill and ability to repent regularly leads to living a godly life. However, this motivation isn’t externally driven by deterrents alone. It’s motivated out of a conviction that God’s way is the right way. Christian parents are to “Train up a child in the way he should go.” This way is God’s way (Isa 55:8-9, Pr 14:12; 16:25). It’s the good and proper way to live before God.
Notice that the rod and reproof are offered simultaneously. Good parenting doesn’t discipline a child out of anger or frustrations. Healthy parenting brings consequences to bear upon unruly children, but at the same time, it also uses patient instruction and offers loving wisdom. This allows children to learn from their mistakes rather than simply devise ways to avoid punishments. And it also trains a child in knowing how to handle failures and mistakes.
A Parent’s Goal
A godly child is not a perfect child. Rather, he or she is in the process of becoming a self-governing individual. Their standard of right and wrong comes from God’s Word and their motivation for doing what is right and following God’s way comes from a heart that knows and loves God.
Here we learn the first rule of parenting. It is to intentionally direct and discipline children into people who are internally driven to honor God. A parent’s hope is to see the fruit of the Spirit develop in their student’s lives (Gal 5:22-23). Key in this list of qualities, as they relate to children, is the development of self-control. Self-control in a person makes them self-governing. It’s a mammoth task, but every parent will be pleased when they see their children respond to God from within–because they want to.
Picture Attributions: Couple on a path by Vidal Balielor, Jr. @ Pexel.com, Red question mark by Jino Crescoli @ pixabay.com, Angry kid by Mohamed Abdeljaffar @ Pexel.com, Mom kissing daughter @ Pixabay.com, Learning to ride a bike by Aguna Pandit Wiguna @ Pexel.com
*book: God’s Wisdom for Navigating Life by Dr. Timothy Keller
